Adam Norman

I’m a watch man. I love watches. I read about them every day. I spend a few hundred dollars a year on them. People think I’m crazy.

It is an odd thing to do.

I love watches because they can be read. Like shoes, or ties, or suits, watches say something about the wearer–they whisper it, though, and only to people who care to listen.

A man wearing a Rolex, for instance, is certainly saying something direct; I saw a man yesterday wearing a Rolex Sea Dweller. He was a young, successful movie director, and he was telling the whole restaurant so at about 100 decibels. For some reason, he was screaming at his dining companion.

The Rolex Sea Dweller told me that he was a dick before he opened his mouth. The Sea Dweller is an extra-special Rolex, even more special than most. As a rule, I’m willing to forgive watch preposterousness, and Rolexes are good watches. The Sea Dweller, though, is a fancy watch. Readers of watches know this–buyers of watches less often do. The ostentation of Rolexes ticks people off–if you’ll pardon the expression. It is only the preposterousness of this watch that ticks me off.

Rolexes are, by all accounts, very good watches. I’m quite fond of the most basic ones–the Submariner and the Explorer. These are very expensive by any human measure, but they are good looking and rather plain. They are functional and tough. I like them because I live with the fantasy that one day I will walk out of my house for a pack of cigarettes, pawn my watch, and disappear to rural Cambodia leaving my wife, kid, and job behind. A Rolex could be with me every day until that day and still be worth a one-way ticket to Phnom Penh.

The Sea Dweller is a much more ridiculous watch than either of my favourites. It’s waterproof to 4000 feet. It has a Helium Release Valve™. The director didn’t look capable of going down three flights of stairs, let alone 4000 feet. His watch told me that he wanted to be manly and rugged and successful, but that he could only look the part.

Women look at a man’s shoes. They tell a lot about a man. Watches do too. A nice watch says that a man cares about fine things, takes care of himself, and has a little extra income.

Here are the things that watch readers value:

Mechanism

The great majority of good watches are mechanical. There are a few exceptions, but there really are very, very few.

A dirty secret of the watch industry: almost all watch movements are made by two or three firms. All affordable Swiss watches, no matter what they say on the dial, are made by ETA, a large conglomerate. Most other non-Swiss watches are made by Citizen, a Japanese firm. The remaining few are made by crummy Chinese companies.

To be desirable, a watch maker either has to manufacture its watches ‘in house’ like ETA (who owns Omega), Rolex, Citizen and Seiko do, or extensively modify an ‘ebauche’–a movement bought elsewhere. I do like in-house movements. I buy Japanese ones because I cannot afford Swiss ones. Why a modified ebauche is desirable completely eludes me, but others love cobbled watches. IWCs are popular among the cognoscenti.

A few quartz movements are worthwhile. I have a quartz watch that’s accurate to 12 seconds or so a year. That’s phenomenal. Citizen makes the Attesa, and “The Citizen”
–perhaps the best quartz watch ever made. It is accurate to 5 seconds a year. That’s even more amazing.

Rolex is, of course, the luxury brand par excellence. Omega is pretty much the only other brand that the average person has heard of–perhaps TAG Heuer, too. Omega famous for being James Bond’s watch (in the movies). He wears an Omega Seamaster. (Watch makers and watch buyers are embarrassingly obsessed with scuba diving and flying). The ordinary Seamaster is a nice enough watch–but Omega is far too keen to cash in on its Bondly associations. They made a Bond special edition. A shame. A man who wears an Bond Seamaster is rather like a man who wears a sports jersy: he wants to be someone he’s not. That’s ugly.

Parse with me this watch for a moment. The dial has the iconic Bond rifling–the swirls are meant to be the grooves in a gun barrel. The second hand, in case you missed the swirl’s allusion, has 007 on its back end. Hideous.

Of course, Omega didn’t make its name with that crack stain. Omega’s most iconic watch, and perhaps the only watch that nears the iconicography of the Rolex Submariner, is the Omega Speedmaster. It is gorgeous. The Speedmaster was the watch that American astronauts wore in the 60s. It saved the lives of Apollo 11’s crew. It was the first watch worn on the moon, and it’s ‘flight qualified’ for NASA missions.

It also proclaims all of this in hideous black letters on the back of the watch. If it didn’t, I would love it to death. As it is, it’s merely very nice.

Omega violates just about the only rule of fashion I observe: don’t tell people how cool you are.

Which brings me, at last, to how to read a watch.

1. If it mechanical, it is good. A man with a mechanical watch is inclined to care for small, delicate things. Mechanical watches need care–periodic winding or regular wear, and occasional oiling. They are also never disposable.I think that a man who likes these things is a good, trustworthy man. I think that a little delicacy around a man is quite nice. It shows that he treads lightly and with some care. And (and maybe I’m reading too much into this) a love of delicate things show an acquaintance with wearing down and fragility, the passage of time, and our own fragile natures. Nothing stays the same forever–despite what G-Shock owners would like to believe.
2. If it is a Seiko, Citizen or Orient, the owner is a frugal, thoughtful fellow. He knows that ostentatious displays of wealth are a bit jejune. He knows that there is something good about the slightly expensive, and something only marginally better about the very expensive. He’s saving the $5,800 difference between his Seiko and his Rolex for his child’s education or his dog’s hip surgery. That is good. That is responsible.
3. Basic Rolexes are very nice watches. Less-than-basic Rolexes should only be worn by people with astonishing amounts of money or jobs that require triple register chronographs and 2000 meter depth resistance. Men who lack eponymous oil fields or battleships should not wear such expensive watches. Rolexes make good bail-jumping funds.
4. Luxury watches, as a rule, reflect badly on a man. They try too hard to be a testosterone patch. SWAT watches, SUV watches, and grotesquely busy military watches should be similarly avoided.
5. Which is not to say that a man can’t have a little fun. Two watches is not too many. Watches are like shoes–suited to different times. The Seiko Monster is a hilarious diversion. It is cheap, cheerful, and fashionable, in an ugly kind of way.
6. The nicest watches of all are simple, slightly tough, and elegant–just like the nicest men. The Seiko SKX007, simple Orient Stars, and The Citizen Chronometer are lovely examples. Of course, that I own two of the three does not sway my opinion at all.

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An addendum:

I had the misfortune of being linked to from The Rolex Forum. I received far more comments on this post than on all my other stuff combined (times ten). Among the comments about my character, I am:

• An asshole
• A cunt
• A dickhead
• A douche

I am also, I have been told, jealous of Rolex owners, ‘not on the same level’, and short.

I responded to my critics on their forum, and several people started backpedalling, to their credit. I even received two very kind apologies and a little support, and I am grateful to the authors. Nonetheless, I do find it strange that watches would inspire such vehemence among so many people.

And, of course, their vile responses did nothing at all to change my mind about the ostentatiousness of Rolex wearers. In fact, the great bulk of the people on the Rolex Forum have depressed me. They are worse than the semi-fictional director I used as a rhetorical device. Safe to say, I am not on the same level as they are: I will not stoop so low.